Goes unpunished. Never are these words more more true than when I go shopping with my friend “Yappy.” Let me know if you’re familiar with anybody like this, or if they just pick me:
Her real name is Annabelle and she’s my age. I’ve known her now for some forty odd (very odd) years. We met in junior high school, when I stepped in between two girls who were about to fight. One girl was my friend and about to be seriously defeated. In those days I had a reputation as a rough and tumble kinda’ girl: you didn’t mess with me and expect to get out alive. Normally all I had to do was give somebody a look. After that, I rarely had to fight. When I did, it was usually a “two hit” fight. They missed, I didn’t. Two hits: them and the ground.Well, Annabelle was standing there with most of the other kids. She was a tall, skinny thing for a seventh grader and she didn’t say much. I remember noticing her with everyone else, waiting to see what would happen. Finally the bully turned and left, with most of the other onlookers. Annabelle stayed, though, and from that day on she was glued to my hip, yapping my ear off. It’s a small wonder I’m not completely deaf. I SAID IT’S A SMALL….oh never mind.
She fondly remembers the incident. Me? I can’t remember it at all. We eventually lost touch when we went to different high schools. Then, I got myself found: Annabelle was going through an on line site for reunions and spotted a familiar name. The phone rang and it was her. Oh Lord.
I thought it might be a one-time thing: catch up and then never see each other again. Boy, was I wrong. I had long since moved to Boston to be with my then- husband. I had left that world of childhood memories behind, or so I thought. Annabelle told me immediately that she’d just moved to Boston, after travelling around the world. She’d chosen Boston for her final desination. Weren’t we in luck?! Oh SOB !!!!!
After a long-winded phone call we met for lunch. A large chain restaurant at the mall was our meeting place. I was standing there at the door waiting and a tall, skinny kid came running up to me and started hugging me. Yeah, nothing’s changed. She still towered over me and was still blonde (although from a bottle now). It was still the same Annabelle. She grabbed me and headed inside for a seat. I should have known then that it was going to be a long lunch.
“No, not that table, that table.” Annabelle pointed to one by the window, yapping non-stop. The waitress said it was closed since they didn’t have enough coverage for that section, but no matter: we headed to that table. After a few minutes they sent a waitress over. I was ready with my order, but Annabelle hadn’t even opened her menu. We gave our drink orders, and I tapped the menu. “Pick something, I’m hungry,” I prompted. That went over like a lead balloon. She continued to yap. The drinks came and no order was given. The waitress walked away. She came back a few minutes later, same deal.
After twenty minutes the waitress gave me an annoyed look. “PICK SOMETHING, ANNABELLE!” I cried out. Annabelle just kept right on yapping as if I never said a word. Finally I grabbed her hands and she stopped. “PICK SOMETHING….or I will order for you.” A blank look came over her face and she flipped through the menu, eventually narrowing it down to fifty choices. By then I was banging my head on the table. I made some suggestions and that narrowed it down to five. The poor waitress came over and just stood there with her hands on her hips.
Annabelle finally made a selection…or so we thought! This or that had to be changed or brought out in a separate dish. She wanted to put on the extras. God give me strength. I was already on my fifth ice tea.
The food was finally brought to our table and I was looking forward to blessed silence in between bites. Oh ye of little faith. How she managed to yap and chew at the same time, I will never know. But she did.
I finished in record time. She had finished a quarter of her food. I patiently waited and listened, until she made it to the last quarter. That was four hours later. The wait staff was setting up for the dinner crowd and we were still sitting. Bless our waitress, she came over and laid the bill on the table hoping against hope to move Annabelle along. I think a stick of dynamite might have been a better choice. She wanted dessert. Is there a God in heaven? He must have been out doing His work that afternoon. I guess He figured that since I had Annabelle some other poor soul was free for a few hours. He owes me.
We were going nowhere fast. Now we had another long wait for a choice. I didn’t want anything, she kept wanting this or that, changing her mind more then I did my underwear. Mercy, there was NO end to this. Finally the waitress came back over and vetoed every item, saying they were out of everything she wanted. Finally, thank heavens, Annabell said we might as well go. I swear I saw the waitress doing a cartwheel in the kitchen.
Annabell insisted on taking me to the local ‘WalMart’ to get a few items I needed. I had planned on taking a cab over and then spending time locating the items before I caught another cab home. “No, no, no.” Annabell insisted she had cleared the entire day for me. Oh joy.
Now I pretty much have the store down pat. I know which items I use and need and exactly where they are. If I can’t find something, usually a clerk will help me out. I loved shopping, but since the blindness has robbed me of colors and enjoyment of looking around, I’m in and I’m out. Nope. We got a cart, errr I can carry what I need. I should’a known. First aisle, I held on the back of the cart and had Annabell pull the cart. I figured it was easier - on my ears. What was I thinking? We started, I knew the item was at the end of the row. I walked into the cart..we stopped. “Why are we stopped are we there? Did they move it?” I was puzzled.
“No, just looking.” Her cheery voice called out. “Seeing some stuff.”
“Oh you are getting stuff you need?”
“No, just looking.”
“Okay.” I wait and wait and wait. Finally it’s like five minutes. “WHAT are you looking at?”
“Stuff.”
“What STUFF?”
“Just stuff.”
“Do you need this stuff?”
“No.”
“Then move it along please. I don’t like being out after dark.”
“Okay.” We moved two feet and stopped. That’s when the murder plot started in my head. It was either that or making sure the answering machine was on ALL the time. God you owe me BIG time.
“Errr Annabell? Find something?”
“Nope just looking.”
Oh dear God. I wiggled past her and made my way down to the end and found the item I needed and placed it into the cart. A full three feet closer then when I left it. This continued up and down every aisle in the drug department. And we have at least five more items to get. Oh dear God.
After two more hours, I suggested that I get what I needed and meet her somewhere. That was met with a no. Damn. I sniffed the air. What are we doing in automotive? ‘Just looking’ was her standard answer. Bouncing my white cane on the floor did nothing. Playing with it like a baton didn’t help either, I thought of putting it someone when I saw her bent over picking up yet another piece of stuff….but I needed it to get home. I should have shoved it. I would have been home twelve hours sooner. My half an hour trip turned into another six hours. Finally I got everything I needed and told her I really needed to get moving. It was already getting dark and I just don’t like being out in the dark. Another launched and dead in the air lead balloon. I could picture Maggie beginning to wonder where I was.
Anyway, we finally get done after countless items being examined and then compared to the item next to it. Heaven forbid, if she found yet a third item of similar type. It too, got the once, twice, three times, look over. Simple paper towels. People, you use them to clean up a spill, not solve the problems of the world. Nope, not for Annabell. “Well these have four hundred sheets for nine dollars. These have six hundred for nine dollars. Which is better?” She looked to me for suggestion. I told her I grab whatever is on sale, it’s paper towels for God’s sake. “But these have flowers on them.” Oooooooookay. “Which do you like?” Hello? I can’t see to make a call there. “But these have two ply and….” On and on she went. If I could have found a bridge, I would have jumped off it.
Finally, I got her out of the store and into the car. I pleaded with her to let me just call the cab. No she wanted to take me home. Why didn’t I insist. WHY ???
Well we unloaded and got into the house. I just placed my purchases on the nearest surfaced and turned hoping to get her on her way home. Wrong. “Well, show me the house!”
“Now? It had been twelve hours since we met, don’t she have a husband to deal with?” I was hoping she’d remember the husband and ust get out of my hair.
“Oh he’s working. He likes to work a lot.” She started walking around the house and looking into every nook and cranny. All I could think of is I KNOW why he works so much…to get peace and quiet. The pounding of a jackhammer is music after a day listening to Annabelle. I’m surprised the man hasn’t killed himself or paid a doctor to cut Annabell’s vocal cords. Maybe he’s deaf. That’s it! He deaf!! Or he’s really earning a place in God’s heaven.
Another three hours pass, and I’m still trying to get her out the front door. I’m hugging her and walking backwards toward the front door, which is STILL open. “Really, thanks it was great. Nice to see you again. We’ll have to do this again.” I quietly add, ‘in a million years from now’, under my breath.
“Fine! When?”
“What?”
“When?”
“Err, I’ll call you.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“Tomorrow?”
No, Tomorrow I’m going to shoot myself. “We’ll get together again. You need to get home and do your stuff at home. I need to put all this away.”
“I’ll help!”
“NO!” I said that a bit too forcefully, but she was undaunted. “No, really thanks. It’s been great. Bye.” I all but grabbed her collar and threw her out of the door. She just stood there. “Err the car is THAT way.” I pointed to the street. “Thanks again.” She yapped on, not moving a muscle. I finally walked her outside to the car. “Well thanks.” Then I took her to the driver’s side, after feeling my way to it and opening the door. She sat and talked. “Put your feet in so I don’t put the door on them.” She’s still yapping as if I never said a word.
It amazes me she doesn’t run out of words. Finally, I patted the roof of the car and yelled as I head towards my house. “I gotta pee. See you! Thanks.” I ran back into the house and closed the door, free at last.
No doubt…she’s still yapping.
